A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
