I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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