This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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