the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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