So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
