I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
