just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
