Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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