thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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