I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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