I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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