I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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