so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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