If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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