a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
