I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
