drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
