I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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