Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
