i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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