if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
