he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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