Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's the barista slut.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
