ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
