oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
