yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
