You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
