I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
