the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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