last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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