Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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