she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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