Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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