matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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