I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
