Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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