Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
