i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
