If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
