Already got asked if we're dating
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
