I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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