Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
