This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
