Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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