im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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