Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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