Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
