Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
nutella sex= disaster
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
