yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
