dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
