i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
