I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
