I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
