hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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