Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
