i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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