Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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