I hate your face
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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