Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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